Sunday, December 26, 2010

Face To Face With Humanity

I always wonder what people think about when they're alone. When they're alone with themselves in the silence and they recognize the person they are. When you look into the mirror and remember the person you've been, see the person you are.
I think it's a moment everybody -- no matter status, race, religion, gender, or location -- experiences, even if it is only for the briefest of moments. It's a moment where one comes face to face with their humanity.
It could provoke existential questions, but it doesn't have to.
I'll be honest and transparent with you right now. I know when I have these moments I embrace them. I don't embrace them because I love these moments, but quite to the contrary, because I hate them. I haven't always embraced them. I usually drown them out with music. That's essentially my drug.
I embrace them now though. I'm tired of running from who I am and who I've been. I want to feel. I want to feel something real. If all life is is pain and we spend it trying to numb the feeling because it's uncomfortable to come to terms with it, that's not living. It's not even dying. It's living in a state of death.
I have resided in this living death for too long. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of trying to put a smile on and forgetting about the pain, or just wallowing in the pain and not facing it. Not accepting the fact that there is change. I'm tired of being afraid of putting forth the effort to change; to stand up, and fight my way out of Hell.
I have been facing my humanity this Christmas break so much and I'll be honest, it's not been a fun break. It's been hard. I've been hurting.
I'm not writing this for pity or affirmation.
I'm not writing this to say I have it all figured out, or that I've even started the hard work. In many ways I haven't.
I'm writing this in hopes that maybe one person who is struggling with themselves can realize that they aren't alone. So if this hits home with you, I want to tell you this.
There is hope. There's always hope. The mess you and I have made of life is salvageable and there is life to be lived. But it is something that must be fought for. It is something worth fighting for.

Peace. Love. Respect.