Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Crystal Meth and Coffee Breath

Have you ever looked at people in the morning, either at work or class or driving, first thing in the
morning, and notice they have a mug, sippy cup, thermos, or something of the liquid-preserving nature in their hand? Well, 9 times out of 10 (which who are we kidding, it's probably going to come out to be 11 times out of 10, which makes no sense but neither does The Naked Lunch and they made a movie out of it and everything, so I don't feel as bad putting a literally impossible fraction in the mix to make a point) is coffee.

I have this theory which essentially boils down to our society being run and maintained by coffee -- more appropriately caffeine. Like any society, as evidenced throughout history, we in America have our social norms. You wanna go on a date with a cute daffy you meet at work? Ask her to coffee. Wanna discuss the Bible, Koran, Book of Mormon, Magic Books, Wizard Books, Sci-Fi books -- whatever you're into? Start a weekly group at any diner over coffee (and if you're super cool donuts are thrown in there, but they aren't essential to the get together.)

Go to an AA meeting, a parents night at school, a PTA meeting -- any gas station for crypes sakes! -- and you'll find this seemingly innate, mundane, boring, harmless liquid which is simply water filtered through a bean... but oh my, how we underestimate it's power over us.
I would like to now compare coffee to crystal meth. This seems like an excessive -- nay -- absurd comparison.

But, for example, it's a fact if you continuously consume coffee and other coffee drinks, you're teeth enamel will be weakened, damaged, AND you're teeth'll turn yellow -- and on top of all of this, yo' bref' will stank (in the words of the charming rap artist KJ-52)!

Crystal Meth users will get something called Meth Mouth, which is pretty nasty. Which, to quote the Dental Association of America, "is probably caused by a combination of drug-induced psychological and physiological changes resulting in xerostomia (dry mouth), extended periods of poor oral hygiene, frequent consumption of high-calorie, carbonated beverages and bruxism (teeth grinding and clenching)."

I don't know enough about meth to continue
comparisons, but that is quite striking. I suppose, however, you could yield the same results with just not brushing your teeth. In fact, you know what, fo
rget the comparisons. I drink coffee every day. It's true. I could stop any time I want to. Seriously. I just don't feel like it today. Excuse me dear readers, while I go and make some ... Orange ... Juice ... ah, there's no use to lie. I'm making coffee. I'm tired and need to get through homework now after I finish writing this, and no, more sleep won't affect my tiredness throughout the day, that's a myth. Coffee is the ONLY thing to cure tiredness. This is America and we've gotta be on the move 24/7. When the train leaves the station we gotta be on it! And no, going to bed earlier won't change anything...

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